POSITION: We advocate that all couples before they marry share, examine and articulate their beliefs.

BACKGROUND: In earlier times, most people married within their tribe, village or religious group. Often marriages were arranged, encouraged or blessed by elders. Having similar experiences, models and values since childhood, couples entered marriage with shared expectations about their roles as partners, parents and members of the community. The extended family helped the new couple in establishing a marital relationship, allowing many things to go unsaid. Life was guided by tradition. In today's world, increased mobility and diversity make it imperative for every couple considering marriage to share, examine and articulate their beliefs to create a strong foundation for a marriage of equal partners who value and understand how each other looks at the world. Traditions may vary dramatically even within the same ethnic, national and religious affiliations. Millions of Americans have entered unions that mix religion and race, tradition and rituals, education and economics and also attitudes towards potentially explosive topics like money, child rearing, in-laws and even folk remedies. Differences that seem inconsequential, unimportant or even charming during courtship often become contentious as the relationship matures, particularly when the couple decides to have children. Opposing cultural beliefs, ignored before marriage, can spark conflict and lead to the failure of the marriage. Mixed marriages, whatever the blend, do not have to mean mixed signals. It is vital for couples, early in their relationship, to talk about religion and culture no matter what the discussion reveals. In order to build on shared values without sacrificing customs and traditions they may not even realize they treasure, couples must talk frankly about what's important to them in life and why. Research shows that unmet or differing expectations are leading causes of divorce. Talking about and examining beliefs before marriage can help prevent discord.

PERSONAL ACTION: In no area of building a marriage of equals is personal action more important. Anyone contemplating a marriage should initiate thoughtful discussions of values and beliefs long before the engagement is announced. If such conversations are difficult to initiate, websites such as ours offer tips for encouraging communication as do marriage courses offered by educational institutions, state and local governments and religious organizations. Several marriage enhancement organizations also offer retreats for engaged couples to help them explore sensitive areas key to building a lasting relationship. If you have relatives planning a marriage, encourage them to articulate their beliefs and establish a mechanism for negotiating differences before and during marriage. We encourage written marriage contracts that clarify financial and legal concerns but also cover broader issues including your beliefs.

Check out our guidebook, The Commitment Conversation for tips and questions on how to make your union stronger.

SOCIAL ACTION: Support public and private educational programs that help couples acquire the skills needed to achieve a marriage between equal partners. If you have such a marriage yourself, volunteer with community or religious groups to mentor engaged or newly married couples. Join the Institute and help us effect societal changes that encourage couples to share, examine and articulate their beliefs. Click Here to Learn More About Sharing Spiritual Values Click Here To Learn More About How To Build Strong Partnerships.