USA Today.com Online
January 22, 2001

Online Chat With Lorna Wendt

When Lorna Wendt's wealthy husband of 32 years demanded a divorce and offered her only 10% of their marital assets, a movement was born. Wendt's demand to be a 50/50 partner in both marriage and divorce created havoc in the legal and business worlds. In 1998, she founded the Equality in Marriage Institute, a resource for both men and women. So what has she learned from her experience? Find out from Lorna Wendt, who will be taking your questions and comments live online.

New York, NY: You have said in interviews that during your marriage you always felt like an equal partner. Now that you are divorced how would you ensure, if you were to remarry, an equal partnership that would be recognized by the courts should you, god forbid, become divorced a second time?

Lorna Wendt: I would certainly have a prenuptual. A prenuptual agreement would allow my partner and I to create an equal partnership, and would be a document recognized by the courts. Certainly there are some legal issues that would have to be followed; for example, both partners need to have separate lawyers; state laws, which vary, need to be checked, etc. For further information, log onto our website and click on "Before Marriage" and look at prenuptual agreements.

New York, NY: It is very hard to even bring up the issue of a prenuptual agreement. It is so awkward. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this? I need some step by step help here. thanks

Lorna Wendt: There's a very good book out there called "Prenups for Lovers" by Arlene Dubin that answers a lot of these questions, and helps you adopt the right tone in broaching this difficult subject.

Comment from Lorna Wendt: Even though bringing up a prenuptual agreement might be awkward or difficult, it is even more reckless not to bring it up.

New York, NY: Some states have an "equal" distribution of assets in divorce, other states its "equitable." What does equitable mean? Is this the same as equal? thanks

Lorna Wendt: Equal distribution is a form of community property law which is the law in 9 states. In 41 states, the law is "equitable distribution". This means it's up to an individual judge to decide how much each party is to receive in the divorce settlement. There is no standard law in equitable distribution states. Equitable distribution is based on British common law in which the wife was chattel for the husband. It's only been within the last 100 years that women have been able to have property in their own name. Equitable distribution in my experience means the judge decides what the "little woman" or the "little man" needs to live on.

Flushing, MI: Will a notarized and registered quick claim deed hold up in court as a legitimate document prior to any divorce/court proceedings?

Lorna Wendt: Not being a lawyer, I don't know the exact answer to this question. I do know that every state is different, and that it's important for you to check the laws in your state. I also applaud you for asking these questions. One thing that I learned through my divorce experience is that it's very important to manage your divorce, just like we manage most things in our lives. Asking questions, looking for answers and doing research are all important.

Perkasie, Pa: Hi, the way I really feel is it very well should be a 50/50 partner ship in marriage only. In divorce, as far as income goes, if I only brought in 30% that would be how everything, and I mean everything would be split. As easy as that. I'm a male, thank you

Lorna Wendt: If that's how you feel, I think that's fine, as long as you and your partner have discussed this and agreed on it, hopefully with a prenuptual.

washington ct.: my husband has all "our" assets in his name.i have started a legal separation to divide them.the largest item is "our" ira but he has changed me as beneficiary to his trust.have i any hope of getting this in my name?as a smart lawyer he has disappeared other assets into an irrevocable insurance trust.

Lorna Wendt: Again, I'm not a lawyer, and I can't give you a definitive answer. I can say that this speaks to the importance of newlyweds or married couples speaking about finances and taking the responsibility to learn, know and maintain information about their mutual finances. On our website, there is an effective tool called "organizing information about your partnership", in the "during marriage" section, which will hopefully allow others to not fall into a situation like this.

Greenville, SC: I retained an expensive attorney with a very good reputation and many years experience. He assured me he would be doing everything with the help of a 26 yr. old attorney. I explained, in no uncertain terms, that my case needed HIS personal attention, since my husband would make mincement of the young guy. He again assured me I didn't need to worry. It turned out the 26 yr. old handled everything, even though I asked each time, if the senior partner had approved everything. I was assured he had, but in fact he had no idea of what was going on (his own admission). The young attorney cost me lots of money in terms of his mistakes, including capping the attorney fees my ex had agreed to pay. Now I am being billed for everything over the retainer. Also, the young attorney told my ex things that he was told NOT to reveal and anything else my husband asked, he answered. The reply I got from the young attorney was he had to talk to my ex, since he didn't have an attorney and he couldn't lie to him. I asked why he couldn't say he wasn't able to answer the question because he had been retained by me, not him. He said he didn't think of that. What should I do? I agreed to let the young attorney go with me to the separate maintenance and support hearing after finding the senior couldn't attend and getting another date would take a couple of more months. The young attorney told my husband we could be divorced on that date, too, if he wanted. I didn't even know that was an option! Then I was forced into doing that and the young attorney writing the final settlement agreement. I still don't know if I have what I think I have. He was given a complete mediation agreement that spelled everything out, but made several mistakes before the final divorce, so I have a question about the accuracy of the final decree. Hindsight, I should have just put a halt to everything, but wanted everything finished so badly, I think I may had made a mistake. The bills keep arriving. I have told them I would not pay for their mistakes. What should I do? Should I file a lawsuit? It would be very difficult, if not impossible to find someone to represent me, since this attorney is very politically connected, which is the reason he had no time for my case. HELP! Thanks--I wish I knew about your website before. I knew about you and am very proud of the way you handled things in your own divorce. You are an inspiration.Thanks. BH

Lorna Wendt: It's very important in a relationship with an attorney to feel that you are getting the answers and talking with the attorneys you've hired. This speaks to managing your own divorce. At no time if you feel they're not working in your best interest should you maintain a relationship with your attorneys. It's time to move on to someone you can work with who you feel is acting on your behalf. It's your life to manage. Do not give up this power to irresponsible attorneys.

Burlington, VT: IF you were to marry again what would you do differently to ensure an equal partnership, especially in the financial area?

Lorna Wendt: In the financial area of a second or third marriage, a prenuptual is very important. It's especially important to protect the monies that I brought into that marriage that I might want to leave to my children and grandchildren. This is also true of my partner.

Boston,MA: When did you know it was over with your ex and what were the first steps you took to manage your divorce?

Lorna Wendt: The first step I took in managing my divorce was to rely on close friends, not only for emotional support but also to find a lawyer. I had no website like ours to help me, so I had to rely on their input. I then interviewed lawyers, financial advisors, talked with my clergy, and felt very confident with the advice I was getting, which led me to choose the lawyers I still have. Essentially, I put together a team of supporters that included: legal, financial, spiritual, and emotional support.

Houston, TX: What do you mean by "equality?" How would you define an equal marriage?

Lorna Wendt: "Equality" to me means to both bring different things to a relationship, but they're valued equally to the nurturing and growth of that partnership. An equal marriage is defined by each partnership, by talking about the strengths both partners bring, that those partners are valued, and and that you both understand what you mean by your roles in the marriage.

Philadpelpha, PA: What do you think of this new book about how to be a "surrendered wife." It seems the exact opposite of an equal marriage.

Lorna Wendt: I have only read the review of this book, and haven't read the book, so I can't speak with much detail. However, my instinct tells me that I would not agree with much of the premise of this book, because I believe that I am of equal value and bring my own strengths and assets to a relationship that are of as much value as my husband's.

Sarasota, Florida: My marriage is falling apart, and my husband has always been in charge of our finances. What should I do to protect myself in preperation for divorce?

Lorna Wendt: For starters, look on our website for steps to take in researching and organizing information, so you can be prepared to manage your divorce. You're responsible for knowing what your finances are within the marriage. The bank statements and financial records are every bit as much yours as your husband's, and you need to not only make copies, but know where to find the information such as previous tax returns, etc.

Los Angeles, CA: I'm engage to be marry to a wonderful man. He's a gifted artist and I'm a professional in the entertainment industry. My income far exceeds his. I think it's important in today's world to have a pre-nup agreement. He is against the idea of even discussing it. What should I do?

Lorna Wendt: Look at our website, or go to the book "Prenups for Lovers", which is coming out in February. It's important that you do discuss this very important subject. If you can't discuss your finances beforehand, you might hit greater obstacles later on. You should have a discussion about what you both believe is yours independently, and once you're married, how you believe you'll divide your finances. In marriages and partnerships, it is important to be able to broach subjects and discuss issues, even if your discussion didn't end with a legal prenuptual agreement (which I believe it should), it should at least be a conversation which could be broached.

Boston, MA.: My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married. What are some of the financial issues we should disguss first?

Lorna Wendt: Some of the financial issues you should discuss as per our website are how you both feel about finances, spending and saving habits, the importance one partner puts on money issues as opposed to the other (keep the money separate? Pool it?), how much money you both bring to the marriage, how much debt you bring to the marriage, who's going to pay the bills, who's going to handle the finances, if we have a baby is one of us going to stay home...this and many other questions can be found on our website, and should openly be discussed.

Brentwood California: Very few human relationships, including that of marriage are true 50-50 partnerships. To think otherwise is simply not realistic. In any relationship, one partner or another contributes more in the way of financial, physical,and emotional support as well as other contributions to the partnership, and the home. In a divorce, why should the "major contrubutor" in a relationship(male or female)be required provide support to her partner beyond the other partners contribution to that relationship? Asking a woman who makes more then her spouse, and who has contributed more to her home and her relationship, to provide half of her future income to her husband is unfair.

Lorna Wendt: All of this is what couples should discuss in advance. This is such a detailed question that answering it in this forum won't do it justice.

Oklahoma City, Ok: Society has changed in many ways. What do view as the difference in our "new" society, that has the greatest affect on marriages.

Lorna Wendt: The difference I see is the empowerment and the strength of women in the many roles they play in society. Having a job and being a mother, as opposed to just being a stay at home mom, brings a new dynamic to a relationship both emotionally and financially. This is an important question, and I believe that as a society we should be talking about what marriage means today and if and how the laws reflect these values.

Miami: You say you always felt like an equal partner in your marriage, yet it ended in divorce. Were there any signs you missed along the way that suggested you didn't have an equal marriage?

Lorna Wendt: Perhaps you'd like to look at the "beware of warning signs" section of our website. There were no signs that I missed. Until my husband asked me for a divorce and offered me 10%, our marriage was a 50-50 partnership. He at the time of asking for a divorce believed, as many do, that "enough is enough", meaning that this is all she needs to live on. Again, this speaks to discussing and canonizing a marriage contract while partners believe in the marriage and believe in their partnership.

New York, NY: If you had your life to live over, would you have worked outside of the home and established a career to support your assertion that you were a 50/50 partner in the marriage?

Lorna Wendt: One doesn't need to work outside the home to assert one's 50-50 contribution to a marriage.

Comment from Lorna Wendt: We appreciate the opportunity to answer your questions today, and hope that you will visit our website as we attempt to help you create partnerships of equality before, during and after marriage.